A quick disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor or a mental health professional. This content reflects my personal journey and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any health concerns.
My Journey with OCD: Breaking the Stigma, Finding Diagnosis, and Embracing Healing
For several months, if you’ve followed my updates on social media, particularly Instagram, you know I’ve been openly sharing snippets of my experience undergoing mental health treatment and navigating a new diagnosis. I’ve spoken candidly about battling panic attacks, persistent bouts of anxiety, and significant sleep disturbances. Even simple tasks, like a quick trip to the post office, often felt like an insurmountable challenge. So, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer: I have been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
You might believe you have a clear understanding of what Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder entails – and honestly, I thought I did too. My initial reaction was disbelief; I was convinced my struggles were purely anxiety-related, ruling out any possibility of OCD. However, through my journey of diagnosis and the ongoing healing process, I’m gaining profound insight into a truth we often overlook: mental health, and especially mental illness, is profoundly misunderstood across society.
You might wonder why I’m delving into such a personal topic on a blog primarily focused on food and autoimmune health. The answer is simple yet profound: it’s all interconnected. My advocacy extends to health and healing in every capacity, acknowledging the intricate link between mind, body, and spirit.
Breaking the Silence: My Motivation to Share My Story
Sharing this deeply personal narrative is still a relatively raw experience for me. While I’m witnessing significant progress and feel a growing sense of control over my situation, I am acutely aware of the pervasive stigma surrounding mental health. As my full-time work and business thrive on transparency and connection, revealing something still widely considered taboo carries its own risks. I understand that by sharing, I open myself to judgment for having a mental illness. Society often shies away from these conversations, viewing mental illness as strange, dangerous, or simply something never to discuss. There’s a common misconception that “everyday people” don’t experience such struggles. But they do. I do.
When I first confided in close friends and family about my clinical OCD diagnosis and ongoing treatment, their reactions often mirrored disbelief. “You? Really?” For over two decades, no one—not even myself—recognized the subtle yet persistent OCD behaviors within me. This lack of recognition stems partly from the widespread misunderstanding of OCD itself, and partly because I appeared to be just an “everyday person,” going about my life, perhaps making chicken nuggets and minding my own business. We tend to associate mental illness with visible distress, not with individuals who appear happy and “normal.” Yet, they do experience it. I do.
My hope in sharing my story is to actively dismantle that stigma. I want to emphasize that the Michelle you know today, who openly discusses her OCD, is the same Michelle you’ve known for years through this blog. This diagnosis does not diminish my worth as a person, my capability in my work, my capacity for love, or my roles as a wife, friend, or cat owner. It doesn’t make me any less “normal” or deserving of respect than someone without OCD. One moment, I might genuinely smile and feel happy, only to be consumed by anxiety, fear, and an overwhelming need to perform compulsions moments later. This internal struggle doesn’t make me less human. My illness is not something to be feared or a forbidden topic. I am simply the same person, now navigating another invisible illness, and my story, like countless others, deserves to be heard and understood.
A Note of Sensitivity Before We Continue
While I deeply appreciate the kindness and support of each and every one of my readers, and I am incredibly grateful to be part of a community where we can uplift each other, I must respectfully ask for sensitivity regarding treatment advice. I am currently undergoing professional treatment with a qualified therapist and am experiencing success. My intention in sharing this story is not to solicit advice on managing my disorder. With hundreds of thousands of readers, receiving unsolicited guidance on various strategies for healing, while well-meaning, can be incredibly overwhelming and potentially counterproductive to my ongoing progress.
Thank you for understanding that I am actively living this journey and am well-supported by professionals in my healing process.
Navigating My Diagnosis Journey: From Anxiety to OCD
Throughout my life, I’ve always been aware of some form of anxiety. As a child, I was perpetually anxious, and panic attacks began surfacing during my college years. Irrational fears and specific behaviors were constant companions. Over the years, I sought help from various therapists. One, in particular, quickly diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and prescribed anti-anxiety medication. While I appreciated the attempt to help, that diagnosis never quite resonated with me; it didn’t feel like the whole picture.
Years later, significant diet and lifestyle changes profoundly impacted my overall mental well-being. Reducing coffee, sugar, and grains helped me achieve a more balanced state where anxiety, while still present, was no longer a dominating force in my adult life. However, in recent months, my symptoms experienced a powerful resurgence. A combination of exciting new projects (like taking my blog full-time) and other health triggers (which I’ll elaborate on later) undoubtedly played a role. Sometimes, pinpointing the exact cause of a flare-up is impossible, but a significant one certainly occurred.
Suddenly, my anxiety returned with a vengeance. Panic attacks became frequent, I developed inexplicable new habits, and irrational fears and guilt plagued me over seemingly nothing. There were days when even leaving the house felt like an insurmountable hurdle. I recommenced my search for therapists, specifically those specializing in anxiety, but once again, the fit didn’t feel quite right.
Then came a rather serendipitous moment – a true “blogger’s brain” catalyst for my diagnosis. I was brainstorming a fun Instagram story idea, planning to ask my followers, “If you were on an episode of MTV’s True Life, what would it be?” I anticipated lighthearted answers like “True Life: I’m obsessed with my cat” or “True Life: I’m always looking for green plantains.” Suddenly, a vivid “flashbulb memory” hit me: an actual episode of that show titled “True Life, I have OCD.” In that instant, a chilling realization washed over me: “Oh my gosh… why do I relate to that so much? Is that me?”
Driven by this newfound connection, I immediately scoured YouTube for clips from that show and similar content about people living with OCD. I watched their stories, listened to how they felt trapped and confused by their compulsions, and observed their behaviors. It was eerily familiar; I saw myself reflected in their experiences. This discovery felt incredibly random, yet profoundly guided. After years of feeling that “anxiety-exclusive” treatment wasn’t fully addressing my struggles, I truly believe a higher power led me to this moment of critical self-discovery.
I promptly Googled “OCD therapist Dallas, TX” and found Justin K. Hughes, whom I immediately scheduled an appointment with. I resolved not to jump to conclusions, simply stating that my symptoms seemed similar to those associated with OCD. Justin appreciated my humble approach, emphasizing the importance of not self-diagnosing – a principle I fully agreed with. After thorough evaluation, I was indeed diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. My diagnosis fell within the moderate range of the spectrum, meaning I could function without immediate medication or inpatient treatment. However, it was significantly impairing my daily life, and professional treatment was undeniably essential for my recovery.
Beyond Stereotypes: What is OCD, Really?
The term “OCD” is frequently and mistakenly used in casual conversation. We often hear people jokingly claim to “have OCD” because they like a tidy kitchen pantry or prefer their books arranged by color. Such trivializations grossly misrepresent the reality of this debilitating condition. OCD is not simply a preference for neatness or a quirky personality trait. It is far more profound than seeing a tile out of place or choosing blue pens over black. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a severe and often debilitating mental illness. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) ranks OCD among the top 10 most debilitating illnesses globally – not just mental illnesses, but illnesses as a whole. This underscores the immense suffering and functional impairment many individuals face.
At its core, OCD is characterized by the presence of persistent, intrusive thoughts, fears, images, or urges that are disturbing or distressing. These are known as obsessions. To alleviate the intense discomfort caused by these obsessions, individuals engage in repetitive rituals or behaviors, which they feel compelled to perform. These are called compulsions. For instance, a person might experience an intrusive obsession about becoming gravely ill or dying from contamination. To manage this overwhelming fear, they might engage in compulsive handwashing or cleaning rituals for hours each day. While many individuals with OCD recognize that their fears and compulsions are often irrational, this intellectual understanding is rarely enough to break the cycle. The reality is that people with OCD often have brains wired differently; it’s not as simple as “just snapping out of it.”
The insidious nature of OCD lies in its vicious cycle. While a compulsion might offer momentary relief by quieting the obsession, it’s a fleeting respite. The intrusive thought invariably returns, often with increased intensity. Furthermore, OCD tends to be progressive. Over time, obsessions and compulsions can become more distressing, more intense, and more time-consuming, trapping the individual in a disturbing and laborious loop that feels impossible to escape. This continuous battle significantly erodes quality of life, impacting work, relationships, and overall well-being.
The Long Road to Diagnosis: Why It Took So Long
Looking back, I can trace varying degrees of OCD symptoms throughout my life, as far back as my memory serves. It’s a common experience; on average, it takes over a decade for individuals to receive an accurate OCD diagnosis. So, why did it take me until the age of 27 to finally understand what I was truly experiencing? Several factors contributed to this prolonged diagnostic journey:
- Widespread Misunderstanding of Mental Health: For years, my perception of OCD was limited to popular stereotypes – people who meticulously organize their desks or rigidly adhere to specific routines. I simply didn’t grasp what the disorder actually entailed, nor did I recognize that my own struggles aligned with its lesser-known manifestations. This lack of accurate information prevented me from connecting my symptoms to the correct diagnosis.
- The Pervasive Stigma Around Mental Health: Had I felt comfortable and confident enough to vocalize my symptoms earlier, it’s highly probable I would have received help sooner. However, the immense societal stigma surrounding mental illness creates a powerful barrier, discouraging open discussion and help-seeking. I, too, was caught in this societal trap, hesitant to reveal struggles that felt deeply personal and potentially judged.
- Deficiencies in Mental Healthcare: My experience with a therapist who immediately prescribed clonazepam without a thorough diagnostic process highlights a critical issue in mental healthcare. While doctors and therapists are human and prone to error, and I harbor no ill will towards that specific therapist, my story reflects a reality for many others. A lack of specialized training or a tendency to default to generalized diagnoses can delay or prevent accurate identification of complex conditions like OCD, prolonging suffering and hindering effective treatment.
Unmasking My Symptoms: Life with Checking Compulsions
OCD manifests in an incredibly diverse array of ways, as its specific expressions are deeply rooted in an individual’s core fears and the underlying purpose of their compulsive cycle. For me, my central fears revolved around something terrible happening, and it being irrevocably my fault due to a mistake I made. This could range from leaving the oven on and the house burning down, to catastrophic driving accidents, or even inadvertently offending a friend or colleague and irreparably damaging a relationship in social situations. The internal pressure and guilt were immense.
My compulsions primarily manifested as an intense need for checking. Before leaving the house or going to bed, I would check locks, appliances, and windows countless times – often five, six, or even more times. This wasn’t a quick glance; it was a ritualistic process, sometimes requiring me to turn my car around after leaving to re-verify everything. I even resorted to taking photos and videos of locked doors and turned-off appliances with my phone, believing this visual evidence would calm my fears. Upon entering my car, my immediate action would be to check the security camera feed for our house. The rest of my time away would then be largely consumed by terrifying mental rehearsals of the worst possible scenarios unfolding at home.
This constant, intrusive loop of fear and checking made it impossible to truly enjoy moments out with my husband, family, or friends. My mind was perpetually hijacked by anxieties: the house burning down, someone breaking in, getting into a car accident on the way home, my website crashing and my business failing – the list of catastrophic possibilities was endless. Leaving the house became an agonizing ordeal, and once I was out, I was a nervous wreck, consumed by every imaginable worry. The same patterns emerged during vacations and work trips, turning what should have been enjoyable experiences into relentless battles with anxiety. Simple, everyday tasks like departing my home or driving were consistently followed by severe anxiety, debilitating fear, and endless, exhausting cycles of compulsions.
It’s crucial to understand that no two people’s experiences with OCD are exactly alike. My specific manifestation of checking compulsions is just one example. Many people exhibit behaviors that might resemble OCD but don’t necessarily have the disorder. The defining factor always comes back to the why – the underlying fears and distress driving those behaviors.
Embracing the Diagnosis: How It Shapes Me Now
Here’s the fundamental truth: I am still the same person. I can almost guarantee that you won’t suddenly start observing overt OCD behaviors in me unless you are my husband, as most of my compulsive actions and fears are very internalized and occur predominantly at home. If you didn’t notice it before, you almost certainly won’t notice it now. In fact, there are now far fewer outward signs of my OCD, a testament to the progress I’ve made.
I have always been the person with OCD; the difference now is that I am actively receiving treatment and consequently, I feel significantly better than I did before. This diagnosis doesn’t fundamentally change who I am as a person. If anything, it has deepened my empathy for others struggling with mental illness, and ignited an even stronger passion within me to advocate for openness and dialogue around mental health, working tirelessly to break down lingering stigmas.
My Path to Healing: Treatment and Progress
I have been under the consistent care of a dedicated therapist since the summer, and I am genuinely seeing major improvements in my well-being. What once felt like an inescapable ritual now holds less power over me. For example, previously, I couldn’t go to bed without checking locks and appliances at least 5-6 times – and sometimes significantly more – a process that was both physically and mentally exhausting. Now, I’m typically down to checking only once, and there are even times when I forget to check altogether! This is just one tangible example, but across the board, I feel a profound sense of relief and a much greater sense of control.
My treatment plan has been comprehensive, primarily involving a combination of talk therapy, exposure therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). In talk therapy sessions, I work closely with my therapist to delve into the specific compulsions I experience, deeply exploring the underlying reasons for their existence and identifying the core fears that fuel them. From this understanding, we collaboratively develop strategies and plans for how I can gradually expose myself to these fears in a controlled environment, systematically working towards reducing and ultimately eliminating the need for compulsions.
It’s important to reiterate that this specific treatment approach has been highly effective for me personally, but it is not presented as a universal recommendation for everyone with OCD. Each individual’s journey with OCD is unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another. What I strongly advocate for is that everyone experiencing similar struggles should work with a qualified therapist to customize a treatment plan that is tailored to their specific needs, symptoms, and circumstances.
The Holistic Connection: Gut Health and Mental Well-being
Beyond the direct impact of therapy, I had a persistent gut feeling – and I mean that quite literally, in my physiological gut – that there was likely another underlying health trigger contributing to my OCD flare-up. Our mind and body are intricately connected, functioning as a single, integrated system, and should always be treated as such. The gut is famously tied to the brain through the vagus nerve, and I’ve always been acutely aware of this profound gut-brain axis and its potential connection to my mental health, including my OCD.
Recently, I consulted my doctor, Dr. Anne Coleman, to undergo follow-up gut health testing. The results were, quite frankly, astonishing to me! My most recent stool test showed significant improvement in the integrity of my gut lining and overall digestion compared to a few years ago – a wonderful affirmation of my real food diet choices! However, there was still much to be desired regarding my beneficial gut bacteria. Our gut microbiome plays a crucial role in sending signals to our brain, underscoring the vital importance of a healthy, balanced flora. What truly caught my attention was the presence of Streptococcus, a bacteria I had never seen on previous tests. Yes, strep in my gut! My therapist, my doctor, and additional research through various online articles all corroborated the connection: Streptococcus is strongly correlated with certain mental health disorders, including PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections) and, notably, OCD.
My doctor has referred me to a local specialist to better address the presence of strep in my gut (more on that exciting development after I see the specialist, so stay tuned!). In the meantime, I’ve been diligently adhering to many of the gut health practices I already champion and preach:
- Consistently taking a probiotic specifically prescribed by my doctor.
- Consciously increasing my intake of diverse fermented foods to nourish my microbiome.
- Prioritizing better care for my liver through supplements like milk thistle and reducing my consumption of sugar.
- Actively focusing on optimizing my digestion through mindful eating and other natural strategies.
- And many other holistic practices aimed at supporting gut integrity.
For more insights into the intricate relationship between gut health and mental well-being, I encourage you to explore this Healthline article, where I had the opportunity to discuss my personal experiences in managing anxiety and other mental health struggles by prioritizing my gut health!
Wait, So Diet Didn’t Just Cure Everything? A Balanced Perspective
Diet undoubtedly plays a foundational role in our overall health and well-being. However, it is crucial to understand that diet is not a universal cure-all, especially for complex mental illnesses.
My mental illness had reached a point where it undeniably required personalized, one-on-one care from a qualified therapist. Interestingly, even when I worked as a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) myself, I was constantly advising my clients to seek out therapy. While a well-balanced diet can profoundly improve gut health, positively impact mood, and support various physiological functions, it simply cannot address or heal past traumas, deeply ingrained fears, or complex behavioral patterns that are central to conditions like OCD. Diet matters immensely for physical and mental resilience, but its scope is not limitless when it comes to the intricate landscape of the human psyche.
Many of my OCD triggers are intimately tied to past traumas and life experiences. The truth is, you simply cannot eat enough kale or follow the strictest diet to heal deep-seated emotional wounds or psychological patterns. These require a different, specialized approach.
My firm belief is that everyone can benefit from the powerful combination of both a healthy, nourishing diet and professional therapy. These two modalities are not mutually exclusive; rather, they are complementary forces that can work together synergistically to promote holistic healing and optimal well-being.
What Should You Do If You Feel This May Be Your Story?
If any part of my story resonates with you, the most important first step is to talk to someone. As I emphasized earlier, I am not a therapist or a mental health professional, and therefore, I am not qualified to answer questions related to your personal mental health journey or offer specific advice. My expertise is limited to my own story and experiences. Every individual’s mental health landscape is profoundly unique and requires professional guidance tailored to their specific needs.
Well, that was a lot to unpack! I sincerely hope that by sharing my journey, I’ve contributed to a deeper understanding of OCD, helped demystify mental illness a bit, and perhaps even inspired some of you to seek your own path to help and healing. Whatever your takeaway, please know I am sending so much love and prayers your way. We all have a unique journey and a story that deserves to be heard, and crucially, we all deserve access to help and support.